Sorry this is a moan in 3 parts, I was trying to get some higer quality video footage on here but that meant I had to cut it into chucks inorder for google to cope with it.
Sorry to have just moaned at you. I have just re watched what I said and I want to add a few things. I don't want you to go away from this thinking that one guys comments on you tube sparked a break down, he is entitled to his mostly true opinion and other than being a bit shocked that he took the time to find my video so he could be mean about it (how sad) I don't really feel anything. I do feel a bit thoughtful about what my life choices reveal about me though.
Porn is quite a safe place to be, if you work hard and turn up to everything you book no one is going to say anything horrible to you, its quite an insular group. But I chose to go the next step and put myself on youtube, a medium I knew is full of trolls and people with nothing better to do than voice negativity, on top of the people who will be brutally honest. What part of me as a person would deliberately do that? I have friends working on a youtube project at the moment, what kind of people am I friends with that they to are putting themselves up for a fall?
I don't have any answers, maybe I'm just a silly little girl who thinks that all it takes to have an easy life is a few videos on line and someone will come and tell me that I'm the next big thing and I'll never have to worry about money again. I hope that's not it. During the summer I put a post up on BGAFD asking if anyone had any work going in Birmingham as I needed to visit Kaz B and couldn't afford the petrol. I got a very angry message from a guy saying it was pathetic that I couldn't afford the fuel, why didn't I get a life, live in the real world and go and get a proper job. I didn't say anything at the time but what I wanted to say was why should I? I pay full taxes, do not get any government aid what so ever and never have done, I'm probably entitled to all sorts of things because my income is so low but I don't think its right that other people should pay for my choices but equally they are my choices. Its my choice to be poor and struggle with bills and food from time to time as I'd rather be poor and have the time to be myself than be richer, stable even and spend my life working in an office (I tried that for a year and it nearly did me in).
If I'm honest I probably have daddy issues (Freud eat your hear out) or something and just need to be praised. I was one of those people who was very very happy at school. I certainly didn't fit in with everybody else and was not one of the cool kids but I loved working hard and being praised by my teachers. In school I was told what to do, had to do it, then got praised for my efforts - the real world has been a real shock as now I have to know what I want to do, motivate myself to do it and then tell myself I have done a good job as no one else is paid to tell me anymore. That's been my problem since 18, I have no idea what I wanted to do. As I said I love porn, porn has filled a huge whole in my life but I'm getting to the stage where I will need more money than none if I ever want a family and I will be to old to do this soon so what comes next?
OK moan over, I promise. Things will be fine because they are always fine, Decembers just a bad month as there's alot of obligatory spending expected of me at the end and I'm yet to work out how I'm going to do it this year. You are all so lovely bothering to read my posts and especially those that take the time to add comments (my praise fix). I think that's what I really want fame wise, I don't want to be famous enough to be bothered, I just want a few people to care about my thoughts and opinions so I feel less 'dull' with my clothes on :o) xxx
Shaytards x
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